I’ve been feeling like a snake for the past couple months – shedding old beliefs, thought patterns and habits in the way a snake sheds its skin. As a young child, I experienced a situation between my parents that caused me to believe there are very few choices in life. This was reinforced by having both parents and older siblings who told me what to do up until the time I left home at 18. My life after that was one of indecision as I often did not like the choices I saw but did not know there was any other way of living.
Until a couple months ago.
There is a long backstory working up to this; years of introspection, working through beliefs and patterns and releasing them; working with spiritual teachers, mentors and coaches; meditation, forgiveness of self and others, emotional processing and various classes, courses and retreats that helped me get to where I was even aware of what I had witnessed as a child.
Returning to my vantage point two months ago, I recognized that the choices made by my parents were actually not the only options available; they were simply the only options they saw at that time, largely due to childhood and societal conditioning.
When that belief in the limited possibilities of my parents’ lives dissolved, I was pushed into the sea of infinite possibility that I had never seen before. I recognized how so many experiences in my life were based on decisions made by others that created a model for me to follow. Whether it was relationships with family, men or myself, so much was based on an inability to see options outside of those I had learned as a child.
So I began looking at what I like and do not like in my life. I didn’t like the constant feeling of overwhelm I had lived in for decades. I had an immensely long To Do list that just got longer; little of it ever got done. I knew I was supposed to live a certain way, have my house look a certain way, raise my child a certain way, and beat myself up constantly because that’s not at all how it was.
I wanted to be outside, plain and simple. This was a nagging desire that often went unfulfilled especially in the last several years because the right way of doing things is to do our work first, then play; and outdoors was considered play.
I recognized that because I was not allowing myself to ‘play’, I was refusing to do the ‘work’ – my rebellious inner child and teenager had banded together at some point and put me into stalemate mode.
The turning point came when I made the choice to let my inner child out to play BEFORE I did anything else. I spent hours outside, spinning around in a meadow until I was so dizzy I couldn’t stand; walking and running through the woods barefoot, feeling the growing connection to the Earth and her many beings; sitting in the middle of a path like a three-year-old for over half an hour, fully entranced by a black swallowtail flitting about a damp patch of asphalt and getting drinks here and there. People walked by me with raised eyebrows, or asking a quick question to ensure I was okay (thank you for caringJ). When I finally returned home, it was with that giddy childlike joy and wonder that you feel after a day spent being filled to the brim emotionally and spiritually by the exquisite magic, beauty and abundance of Nature.
That took me out of my head and deep into my heart, and my life has not been the same since.
Outdoors wins in almost all situations now. Why? Because now I know how much being outdoors feeds and nurtures me. I can go outside at work and walk barefoot for 15 minutes and return refreshed and renewed to easily complete a project that was driving me batty before. I can go for a 30 minute walk in the woods and return home to complete whatever task is most necessary, or begin clearing out things that have been sitting for months or years.
And here I want to veer off for just a moment and explain something vital to what is happening in my life. Decisions are often made from your head and are made due to external forces; either someone telling you what to do, or societal conditioning causing you to take actions that do not align with your heart. They are that ‘should’ that makes you feel like you don’t measure up or have failed. They are based on rules written by someone else, so cause resistance because they don’t feel good.
True choices come from a place of desire and are heart based. These are not necessarily logical or mental; they are guided by what makes you feel good; by what feels best.
As I pondered the infinite choices now open to me, my mind was reeling with everything that ‘needs’ doing in my house – that very thought process that has kept me in a spin for so long. It didn’t feel good. My next choice was simply not to live in a state of overwhelm anymore. This led to my next big epiphany: There Is No “Right”. My house does not look the way a house ‘should’. Who made up that rule? Who says a house should look any particular way? It is an external expectation that I have been imposing on myself, as there is obviously no other higher ranking adult in the household to tell me how I should do things.
So I chose then and there not to worry about any clutter or mess in my home that was not in my direct line of sight, or not something I intended to immediately remedy. That removes past and future and helps me rest in what is needed and desired NOW.
The energies of August have accelerated the process; with the lunar eclipse and full moon ushering in a huge wave of energy that allowed us to release any and everything we no longer desired or needed, followed by the solar eclipse and new moon that catapulted us into the energy of growth, expansion and creating what we desire, I find myself in a space I could not have even imagined a year ago.
Now feel like I’m sliding down a grassy slope of change, where my old beliefs are being scattered behind me like leaves falling off a tree, and a new life is opening up.
Within this amazing window I have recognized that there is no ‘right’, and if there’s no right, there is also no wrong. That means that I can write anything on my blog that I want, and it can’t be wrong if it comes from my heart. I can put out my Energy Report in the format that feels good now, and it will evolve as it feels right to make changes.
In viewing what I think about from a space of choice, my resistance to doing what is needed dissolved, because there was no longer an external voice working against what I chose as important.
That allowed me to hear my heart – to ask my heart what it desires. And I found a fountain of love and joy, bubbling up and coming forth with so many desires I can’t begin to count them all! But none of them are requiring precedence over others; it’s like a huge bucket list enveloped in love.
Now, tasks that previously created resistance are now looking attractive, as they will create more of what I want in my life. I have no illusions of completing everything in a week or a month, and see how they are part of a joyous journey of getting to where I want to go. The best part is that when I get close to ‘arriving’, I will see the next segments of my journey before me.
There is no end to this journey, so my desire is to make all parts of it as joyous as possible.
And the past? It exists only as long as we keep it alive; whether with our stories or by holding it in our bodies. But anything we don’t need can be released and eclipsed by the wonder of the present moment. And that is all we really have anyway, isn’t it?